Let’s talk more about compassion in our workscapes.

We must bring love out of the corporate closet.
~John Mackey, CEO, Whole Foods

From Gallup’s research on leadership from a follower’s perspective (c. 2006), four key themes or basic needs of followers emerged. Trust, Compassion, Stability and Hope. [I talked about these four needs from change leadership perspective in a past blog: Human Lens for Change Management.]

Words used by people in Gallup’s research when asked what leaders contribute to their lives, (in additional to Compassion) were caring, friendship, happiness, and love. People want to be part of a workscape that has heart.

I learnt a lot about Compassion along with Connection and Courage, as I navigated challenging personal circumstances which affected my work situation.

The learnings have influenced my action and thinking when it comes to my professional practice in organisational change. It can be easy to overlook the subtle human impacts, generated by change within organisations – situations that would benefit from a significant dose of compassion. So this is why I want us to talk more about compassion in our workscapes.

What meaning do I give to Compassion, Courage and Connection?

Brené Brown is a researcher and communicator on the topic of Vulnerability and Compassion. She has very helpful insights from her research that I summarise here in my interpretation.
Vulnerability happens across a spectrum of human Connection.
When there is high human Connection; Vulnerability sits within Empathy. In Empathy there are two ways of being: Courage and Compassion.
When there is low human Connection; Vulnerability sits within Shame. In Shame there are two ways of being: Judgement and Blame.

So in a conversation about Compassion, we should also talk about Connection and Courage.

Compassion

Compassion is to be present for another person, not forcing them to think of their own future or past, or about what’s going on for other people.

To show compassion for another person, is to receive their story when they are feeling out-of-sorts and vulnerable. It is to be in the moment, to quieten your reaction, and to be what the other person needs. It is not to solve the situation, it is not to see the situation or the persona as a problem, nor to ‘give’ them the gift of your problem-solving talent.

Compassion requires toughness. Hearing someone else’s story or situation can be a shock to you. So be careful if you decide to ask the question, “Are you ok?” Do you have the Compassion to hear the answer?

[Side note: The term Compassion might not sit well with you. For some it conjures up the idea of Pity or Sympathy – which people don’t want to receive. I think Compassion is a fuller, bigger concept than the narrow scope of Pity. So it’s with that broader perspective that I use it.]

Connection

Connection is to have ties with another person. Connections don’t have to be strong, perfect, close, and mature. Loose and weak connections have just as much value; sometimes even more. People at the end of such connections often have little prior knowledge about you that can unduly influence how they relate to you. Family and friends can have a mental model of you that they use as a barometer for how you are doing, and as a roadmap for how they will help you. This can be great. This can also be problematic! Sometimes their mental model is out of date, or reflects more about how they see the world than who you really are.

The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor; he took my measurement anew every time he saw me, while all the rest went on with their old measurements and expected them to fit me.
~ George Bernard Shaw

Courage

Courage is what it takes to be present in the moment of the pain; to be in the feeling, to be exposed to the darker elements of self and life. It often takes more courage to tell your story or share with another what you are feeling, when it’s not good. It’s relatively easy to share happy, joyful stories, like “We’re pregnant”; “We bought a house”; “I got the job”. And easy to be in the position of hearing such stories and sharing in the joy. We don’t tend to accommodate others in hearing their sad, or fearful story, like “My Mum died.”; “I made a mistake and someone got hurt”; “I’ve got cancer”; or even “I might have cancer”. These are particularly difficult stories for a person to open up about and share.

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I was in need of substantial compassion when I had deeply sad, challenging stuff going on in my life a few years ago. [Two circumstances that coincided, were my beloved mother-in-law getting advanced pancreatic cancer and dying; and me having mysterious lumps in my abdomen that required surgical removal – for a time suspected as advanced ovarian cancer.]

I chose to make my vulnerability visible with people in my work circles; because I had been purposeful in cultivating strong connections. To be vulnerable is not typical in work relationships, and required a degree of courage. In a few cases, I discovered that the human connection was not as strong as I had hoped, and people were unable to respond to my courage with true compassion.

I decided to be very open about what was going on to people I believed capable of responding with compassion. My story was met with mixed reaction. I think some people would have preferred that I answered the question; “What’s new with you?” or “How are you?”, with a benign and inauthentic answer of “Fine”. My honest sharing put them in the difficult position of having to decide upon an ‘appropriate’ reaction.

I learnt there is a lot of powerful and profound compassion in the small things, the small moments, even just a text message or short email. Here’s some common responses I got that were most meaningful: “I’m thinking of you”; “I’m sorry for your loss”; and “Wow – I just don’t know what to say.”

One person wrote to me: “It’s very inappropriate and unprofessional of me; I want to send you some love. I sense you seem to be in a situation where that is needed.” It shocked me that expressing such care was seen as aberrant behaviour in a work context. I could feel their genuine intent to support me – and that was a great kindness.

The messages had great value and impact because it affirmed human connection, it affirmed the flow of life that happens between people. I found surprising strength in knowing that for a few moments, someone cared and thought about me during this difficult situation. It might not seem like much; but the impact was powerful and significant.

I didn’t want questions. That required me to think of answers! “I’m here if you need me” was better than; “Anything I can do to help?” The question; “Are you okay?” particularly annoyed me – I wasn’t okay in one sense, I didn’t want people to try and fix me if I said I wasn’t, or to inquire more deeply into how I wasn’t okay. I was okay in another sense; these were simply the emotions that a human goes through when grieving and dealing with medical dilemmas.

In one conversation with a colleague, I responded saying “I’m a little bit overwhelmed by grief today.” They advised: “Tell the boss that you aren’t coping.” I had a negative reaction to that advice. I was coping – I’m not a person who doesn’t cope! For me, what I needed to do was go a little slower, and a little easier on myself at work, accepting I couldn’t operate at normal capacity for a while.

Compassion (particularly when in the form of Kindness) can show up as the need to help someone and the need to do something. Think of the caterpillar that is struggling in its physical transformation into a butterfly. The struggle and push against the cocoon is what develops the anatomy that will be necessary for being a creature that flies. If an outside force – no matter how benevolent in intention – intervenes and breaks the cocoon, the conditions and context for that development is broken; setting a course towards death rather than transformation.

Compassion in the small things

The example I gave above was a major life situation, in which Compassion from others is more likely to show up.

Consider also minor situations of vulnerability, where more general compassion is valuable. General compassion is to pay more attention to one another; to take a longer deeper look at what is going on for them, or around them, and respond with kindness. It is to give someone the benefit of the doubt, in what may appear odd behaviour. It is to not jump to judgement when first observing someone, but instead to imagine outside your own experience, of what might be influencing someone’s odd behaviour in that moment.

Take a moment to think about the person who is out-of-sorts – what might they need from you? This may be different than what you want to give or what you are capable of giving (Tip: It’s not about You!) What they might need is your inaction, and understanding. What they might need is an encouraging word. What they might need is your support.

Compassion in organisational change

Organisational change can create many situations of vulnerability – such is the nature of change. Meeting vulnerability with compassion and courage makes us caring humans.

Showing Compassion in organisational change is something everyone can do – it’s not just desired of those who are leading or managing change!

What ideas do you have for showing compassion in the small, or big things?
What acts of compassion have you observed in the midst of organisational change?

Author: Helen Palmer is Founder and Principal Change Agent at Questo. Like Winnie the Pooh, she ‘sits and thinks’ … and reflects on how people can make a better life for others and themselves. She likes to share those thoughts with the possibility that they inspire and initiate meaningful change in workscapes everywhere.

This post was simultaneously posted on LinkedIn.